Tuesday, March 8, 2022

Biden begs Texas to secede

President Joe Biden today begged Texas Gov. Greg Abbott to lead Texas to secede from the United States a second time, promising that this time the secession will not be met with military resistance. 

An historic phone call about the energy future of the United States.

In a phone call late Tuesday afternoon, according to White House press agent Jen Psaki, President Biden explained to Gov. Abbott that because he has promised the Green left wing of his party never to allow increased oil production in the United States, his administration has been forced to beg Iran and Venezuela to sell oil to US refiners.

"Furthermore," said Ms. Psaki, "even Democrat members of Congress were willing to force through a vote mandating a ban on importing oil from Russia over the president's objections." 

Unable to authorize increasing domestic oil production, and finding no foreign producer would sell (or sell more) oil to America, the president had no choice but to create a new foreign producer who would provide additional oil capacity to American who are shocked by record-breaking pump prices. 

Hence the call to Texas Gov. Abbott, begging him to energize secessionists in Texas to re-establish the independent Republic of Texas and begin immediately to increase Texan oil production and sell directly to American refiners. 

"Then," explained Ms. Psaki, "the president can truthfully say that he held the line on crushing America's oil industry while filling the near-term needs with foreign sourcing. It's win-win for everyone!"

Gov. Abbott was not available for comment as we went to press. Texas' only prior secession lasted from 1861-1865 and did not turn out well for the state. 

Please note that this is a humor and satire post!

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