Rethinking Marriage

What the Christian religion has to do with marriage is a huge subject, so at best this is an overview. I call it Rethinking Marriage because that’s what the early Christians did. The early Christians inherited two models of marriage from their forebears. Jews who came to follow Christ naturally brought the Jewish understanding of marriage into their Christian faith and Gentile Christians, almost all of whom were former pagans, brought that model. Of the two, the Gentile model drew more attention from the apostles than the Jewish model.

Jesus hardly talked about marriage at all except to endorse the existing Jewish understanding that the marital union between husband and wife was supposed to be both physical and spiritual, and that the loyalty of husband and wife to one another was to be greater than any other such bond. He also taught that a marriage is dissolved by death, which was no new teaching, of course.

The apostles were Jewish, of course, and considered themselves Jewish until they were martyred. The distinction between Jew and Christian came later. So we should not be surprised that the apostles taught what Judaism has long held, for example:[1]

·    Marriage is holy and sanctifies life. Marriage is a spiritual union between a man and a woman as the fulfillment of God's commandment.

·    The purposes of marriage are two. First is companionship, based on God’s words in Genesis 2.18, "It is not good for a man to be alone," referring to Adam without Eve. The second purpose is procreation, based on God’s first commandment in the whole Bible, given to Adam and Eve in Genesis 1.28, "Be fruitful and multiply." In Jewish thought, God blesses sexual relations between husbands and wives for both purposes.

·    In addition, Jews viewed marriage as a contractual agreement with legal rights and obligations on husband, wife, and their families. This is little emphasized in Christianity mainly because that has been taken over by the state.

With those views to build on, the apostles soon learned that they had their work cut out for them in educating former pagans. In the Roman world, wives were little better than chattel to their husbands. Only in the upper classes which ruled the empire was there any semblance of mutuality in the marital relationship, and that because women could inherit the estates of their fathers. (Well, money talks). But the moneyless ninety-five percent of the world’s women lived in a society that was strongly patriarchal. So was first-century Judaism, but not like the Gentile world. The main effect of apostolic teaching was to reimagine and redevelop how husbands and wives related to one another on the basis of their faith in Christ risen, and this meant that their most important identity was not husband or wife, not even man or woman, but adopted son or daughter of God and brother and sister of Jesus Christ. Hence, wrote Paul, just as in Church there should be no distinction between Jew or Gentile, nor between slaves or freemen, even so basic as male and female was not as important as the fact that, “you are all one in Christ Jesus.”[2]

There was thus a radical change in the way that husbands and wives should relate to each other because there was a radical new foundation for all human relationships, including marriage. Why did the apostles teach Gentiles such a radical change from the Gentiles’ existing understanding? I think it was because they learned from women that Jesus was risen. Jesus chose to appear first to Mary and some other women. The first thing that Jesus did on the first Easter morning was elevate the status of women magnitudes higher than ever before. I think the apostles found this quite humbling and it made them rethink the role of women.

Probably the most controversial apostolic teaching about marriage is Ephesians 5:22-33:

   Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

   Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

   In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body.

   "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

What nags us today is the word, “submit.” We tend to overlook that of the 214 words here, only 26 are directed to the wife; all the others are about the husbands.

Paul compares marriage to the church and Christ. In God's eyes, a husband and wife are, in some mysterious way, a single entity. It is a profound mystery, how two can become one. It has no parallel except the way in which the church is the body of Christ in the world.

Before men get all excited because the Bible says for wives to submit to their husbands, they need to consider the model they are held to. Their model in marriage is Christ and nothing else. Husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church.

The Christlike model for husbands to follow is one of servant-leadership in the manner that Christ leads the church. Christ leads us not by an authoritarian bark of command, but by the sacrificial pouring out of his Spirit. Servant leadership is leadership without ego. It is humble. It shuns power for power’s sake and does not seek prestige. It is self-giving and does not dominate.

A servant-leader listens deeply with the heart as well as the head. He is not arrogant and can change his mind. The servant-leader heals and mediates. He seeks justice and a shared vision for the common destiny.

It is to this sort of husband whom wives are admonished to submit. The scripture says that wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Our God is a God of love and care. God is present and working for the good of his people. God’s anger is fleeting but his grace and love abide always. God always acts redemptively to save and cherish and treasure.

It would appear, then, that wives are to submit to husbands who mirror the character of the Lord, even though husbands will never do this perfectly and often not even very well. Wives are not admonished to submit to violent husbands. Wives are not admonished to submit to a husband who is abusive or who buries her personal worth with dominance and overbearing. Wives need not submit to husbands who treat them with contempt or scorn or who fail to value them as a sister of and in Christ.

Yet, if the husband does represent the character of Christ, the wife is to submit. What might such submission mean? I suspect that both the husband and the wife would discover that they are impressively liberated from petty disputes and needless arguments. They would discover that their joint identity as one flesh before God would flower into the deepest possible love and appreciation for each other. In losing themselves in each other they would discover who they are.

Husbands and wives living together in grace are mutual heirs of the Kingdom of God. They share mutual equality and mutual dignity as co-inheritors of God’s reign. They live in mutual humility under God's grace. They share a mutual destiny in the fullness of God’s life and in the coming, but ever-present, reign of God.

The foremost obligation of a married man is not to be a better husband; it is to be a better man. Our task is to be recreated men, transformed, and reformed in the image and likeness of Christ. No husband has any right to expect his wife to submit to him until he has submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and begun to move on to perfection.

The chief task of married women is not to be better wives but to be better women. Women are called to the transformation of their persons and character in the likeness of Christ. No woman can be a Christlike wife who is not a Christlike woman.

The French have a saying, “The heart has its reasons that reason does not know.” Within the Christian faith is a series of mysteries:

▸     Whoever will save his life must lose it.

▸     Jesus died but still lives.

▸     The kingdom of God has not yet been established, but it is among us now.

▸     Jesus ascended into heaven but the body of Christ is on earth as the church.

It is part of the maturing of faith to accept these mysteries as perhaps unfathomable to reason, but knowable to the heart and spirit. Our faith has its reasons that reason does not know. A mystery of God cannot be explained; we can only encounter God in it.

We are called to have Christlike marriages. Within the Christlike marriage are other mysteries: The two will become one. Leadership means sacrificial servanthood. Submission means liberation. In this mystery of marriage the husband and wife will encounter God and love one another most fully.

My tips for husbands and wives:

Commit yourselves first of all to Christ and the kingdom of God.

Then jointly submit your marriage to his Lordship; make it an anniversary ritual.

It is the husband’s responsibility to keep the romance alive. Continue to court your wife!

Do not have a child-centered marriage for when the kids are gone you’ve got what?

Enduring marriages are not automatic. They result from choices each spouse makes throughout.

Don’t let problems fester. But also agree on an expiration date.

Pray together: pray with each other and pray for one another.

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[1] http://judaism.about.com/od/weddings/a/all_marriage.htm

[2] Galatians 3:28

A Litany for Fathers Day

Leader: For fathers everywhere, who have given us life and love, that we may show them respect and love.

People: Holy God, hear this prayer for our fathers.

Leader: For fathers who have lost a child through death, that their faith may give them hope, and their family and friends support and console them

People: Holy God, hear this prayer for our fathers that mourn.

For men who may or may not have children of their own, but act like a father to someone in need of advice, support, nurturing, and love.

Holy God, hear this prayer for our father figures.

For stepfathers who have assumed that role with love and joy, who have loved the children of another as their own and created a new family.

Holy God, hear this prayer for stepfathers.

For adoptive fathers, who have heard the call of God to lovingly step forward for those that need their care.

Holy God, hear this prayer for adoptive fathers.

For fathers who have been unable to be a source of strength, who have not responded to the needs of their children and have not sustained their families.

Holy God, have mercy on absentee fathers.

For fathers who struggle with temptation, violence, or addiction. For those who do harm, and for those whom they have harmed.

Holy God, have mercy on fathers that struggle.

For new fathers, full of hope. For long-time fathers, full of wisdom. For the fathers yet to be, and fathers soon to be.

Holy God, hear our prayer for the fathers of your Church.

For those that have shaped our lives without claim of family or kinship. For those who have taught us, guided us, shaped us and molded us into servants of Christ our Lord.

Holy God, hear our prayer for the fathers of our faith. Amen.

Jesus is served

John 6.5-14

When he looked up and saw a large crowd coming toward him, Jesus said to Philip, “Where are we to buy bread for these people to eat?” He said this to test him, for he himself knew what he was going to do. 

Philip answered him, "Six months wages would not buy enough bread for each of them to get a little.” One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to him, “There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish. But what are they among so many people?” 

Jesus said, “Make the people sit down.” Now there was a great deal of grass in the place; so they sat down, about five thousand in all. Then Jesus took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated; so also the fish, as much as they wanted. When they were satisfied, he told his disciples, “Gather up the fragments left over, so that nothing may be lost.” 

So they gathered them up, and from the fragments of the five barley loaves, left by those who had eaten, they filled twelve baskets. When the people saw the sign that he had done, they began to say, “This is indeed the prophet who is to come into the world.”

I will never forget the miracles one day as I was standing almost right next to Jesus. I was just a young lad then, but I recall them vividly.

King Herod had just executed John the Baptist, Jesus' cousin. So, Jesus came to our area, which was out of Herod’s jurisdiction. One day a huge crowd followed Jesus out to the countryside. My father and mother and I were early arrivals, getting space up front. We could hear Jesus talking to his disciples before everyone was assembled.

I had heard that Jesus was a miracle worker. I could not have told you what a miracle was for a hundred shekels of silver. But I know now. I saw miracles before my eyes when I went with my father one day to the countryside to hear Jesus of Nazareth speak. There was an enormous crowd, my father said at least five thousand.

The people kept streaming up. After a while, Jesus said to a disciple (Philip, I learned later), “Where are we to buy bread for these people to eat?”

Philip glanced at Jesus with alarm. “Where are we going to buy bread!” he stammered. “When did it become our responsibility to feed these people?”

Jesus just sort of gazed at Philip with the same expression on his face that my father gave me when I had said or done something particularly stupid. Philip saw it and glanced at the ground, chastened. But he still spoke. “Six months’ wages would not buy enough bread for each of them to get a little.”

Jesus said nothing but turned to look at the crowd. After a few minutes Jesus preached to us. I don’t recall all he said. It was a long time ago. Years later, I learned what Jesus taught in the Sermon on the Mount. What he said in the countryside that day was much like that.

It was the miracles that have stayed with me.

My father looked intently at Jesus as he spoke, almost as if he’d never heard anyone preach about God and justice and charity and forgiveness and love and mercy and good deeds and … well, a lot of things. My mother was sitting near me and she was also fixed on what Jesus was saying.

“Bear one another’s burdens,” I remember Jesus said, “for this is how you fulfill God’s commandments. Love the Lord your God with all your soul and all your mind and all your strength and love your neighbor as yourself. This is the greatest commandment. Do not return evil for evil, but for everyone who hates you, love them in return. Pray for those who wish you harm, love your enemies, and do good to those who wrong you.” Here he paused and looked frankly rather impishly around while a grin crossed his face, “For in doing this it will be as Proverbs says, like bringing heaps of coals upon their heads!”

The crowd roared at that, my mother and father included. I saw many people clap their hands and nod in agreement. “That’s right!” many exclaimed. “The prophets taught all this, too!”

Before long Jesus stopped preaching and walked into the crowd. Now I understood why so many people had come out. Many were sick, ill, or injured. Parents had brought children for Jesus to bless; some of the children were ill, too. Lame people wanted to walk again normally.

Jesus had great compassion for them. He prayed with most, blessed many, reproved some (but not harshly) and cured many. I knew as I watched that Jesus was a holy man.

By now the sun was getting low. Some of the disciples came to Jesus and said softly (though several of us heard), “This is open country and there is nothing here. It’s getting late. Send this crowd away to the local villages so they can buy themselves some food.”

Jesus said to them, “They don’t need to go anywhere. You give them something to eat.”

At that the disciples looked at each other uneasily. They didn’t know what to say. Well, neither did I. One of them looked at me and I knew he’d must have seen me earlier re-wrapping the bread and fish my mother had given me to carry. I started to push it behind me but it was too late.

The disciple turned to Jesus and said, “There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish. But what are they among so many people?” 

I could not believe my ears. What did I have to do with their debate? I looked quickly at my mother, who was frowning. I glanced up at my father. He stood with pursed lips and narrowed eyes.

Jesus may be special, I thought, but his disciples aren’t so great. Jesus had handed them a problem and they just ducked it, then tried to hand it off on me, a kid!

Jesus shook his head a little. Then he looked at me with a very kind, indeed, hopeful expression on his face. I stopped trying to hide the five loaves and two fish. Jesus held out his hand toward me, then looked at my father and mother. He said nothing but his face showed hopeful expectation. I saw something else, too. I saw the face of someone I could trust.

Without waiting for my father’s permission, I placed the food bundle in Jesus’ hand. He smiled broadly and squeezed my shoulder. He turned to his disciples and said, “Make the people sit down.”

It took a few minutes. With everyone sitting, they could all see Jesus as he stood. He raised a loaf of bread toward heaven and gave thanks for it, blessed it, broke it, and gave it to his disciples. Then he gave them the fish.

The disciples stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do. Jesus still had a loaf in his hand. He took two steps toward me and gave it to me. I held it for a moment, unsure of what to do myself. Then, hesitatingly, I tore off a piece of bread and handed the loaf to my mother. She took a piece and handed it to my father.

I could see my father was torn. Jesus had no permission from him to confiscate that bread. It was dad’s property, and he had the right to keep it. He looked at Jesus, but Jesus had stepped to the other side of the disciples while they imitated what Jesus had done, giving the bread to the people.

My father shook his head slightly. He really didn’t know what to do. Well, what he wanted to do was not what he knew he should do. He said aloud, talking to no one in particular, “You remember what Jesus said? ‘Whoever has some will be given abundantly more, but whoever does not have much will have even that little taken from them’.”

My father tore off a piece of bread and passed the loaf to the man sitting nearby. This man took it and stared at my father. The other man said, “What did he mean by that?”

My father paused, then said, “I think he meant that in God’s kingdom, we will not get unless we give. If we don’t give, then God take from us even what little we have.”

The other man said, “That’s why you’ve given me your bread.” Then he turned toward the next family and gave the bread to them. “Here, take this. We brought bread, too, but hid it because we wanted it for ourselves.” He motioned to his wife who reached under the folds of her robe and took out four or five round loaves. She and her husband kept one and passed the others to their neighbors.

I looked around, stunned to see the same thing happening everywhere. People were laughing, some were crying, all were at peace with one another. Indeed, we were all filled with joy! And all around, hands disappeared beneath robes or into backpacks and reappeared with loaves of bread and perhaps some smoked fish.

My mother and father and I came out on the short end because no one offered us any of their food. We had to make do with just the single piece of bread we’d each tore off to begin with. This bothered me a little but it was not possible to stay upset with such spirit all around.

After some time, Jesus told his disciples, “Gather up the leftovers, so that nothing may be lost.”

The disciples picked up a large basket each and went among the people, telling what Jesus had said. Few demurred. The baskets were filled by the time they finished. I laughed at how the disciples had to lug those heavy baskets back to Jesus!

Jesus took a wicker plate and filled it with bread and fish. Then he stepped over to me and handed it to me. It was a big heap of food! Then he gave another plateful each to my mother and father.

At that I heard someone call out, “This is indeed the prophet who is to come into the world!”

Jesus’ teachings became suddenly clear. In the Kingdom of God another’s joys become our laughter, another’s pain becomes our tears. One who is naked wears our clothes. One who is hungry eats our food. The Kingdom of God is a sort of spiritual cooperative. When we serve our neighbor in need, we will be served when we need it. When the love of God goes from us, it comes back to us.

Five loaves of bread and two fish. What no one thought would be adequate for God’s work turned out to be far more than enough. A banquet was served that day, a banquet of life and love and grace, almost more than the disciples could carry.

Here are the miracles I saw that day: people’s hearts were changed, barriers were broken, generosity flowered, and we loved one another. Jesus gave to us, and it was Jesus we gave one another. If those are not miracles, nothing is!

Are you hungry? Go to Jesus’ table as we did, for it is Jesus being served. And there is no greater miracle than that!